Why I Hate Google
Just to reiterate, hate is a word I use very rarely. I’m one of those annoyingly upbeat, optimistic, find a silver lining in everything kind of people. Hate is not a word that appears often in my vocabulary. Google has driven me to the point of hate. Damn you Google! So what has Google done to invoke wrath in this otherwise mild mannered and polite 55 years old Blackpool lass? Here’s the story.
Google Business Profile (Formerly Google My Business)
Google Business Profile (or GBP, formerly known as GMB) is a free service offered by Google. It’s great and allows small local businesses to appear in what is called the map pack – you’ll be accustomed to seeing this in the search results as a little map of your local area with a few businesses listed. The map pack is great for finding local businesses, especially as customers can leave reviews. And as a local business it’s a great way to get local customers. One of the things that used to be great about the map pack is that it was a pretty level playing field for local businesses. No-one could pay to be at the top of the results. Sadly that has changed (because you know, Google doesn’t earn quite enough and needs more ad revenue) and there are now also paid ads at the top of the map pack.
Setting up Google Business Profile (Formerly Google My Business)
Setting up a Google Business Profile is very easy. Credit where credit is due, this free offering from Google is great. The caveat being that it’s only great when it’s working as it should. You simply sign up at https://business.google.com/uk/business-profile/, follow the steps such as adding your opening hours, contact details, website etc and your Google Business Profile is all set up and ready to go. Easy right?
Setting up Google Business Profile as Service Area Only
Setting up Google Business Profile is indeed easy. There is something to be aware of though. If you work from home, or don’t have physical premises where customers can visit you, you need to set up it up as no location, deliveries and home services only. So for example if you are a work from home web designer (hello!) or a tradesman who doesn’t have a showroom, then this is what you need to choose. If you don’t, Google will ask for your address and show an image of the address on your Google Business Profile. You’ve probably have seen them on the map pack where a plumber or electrician has put their address in and Google actually shows the outside of their home, because they have given their home address as their business address, rather than selecting deliveries and home services only.
Google Business Profile Areas Covered
If you work from home and have selected the no location option, the next step in your Google Business Profile set up is to add in the area that you cover. So for example if you’re a plumber in Blackpool your service area probably covers all the Fylde coast and maybe as far as Preston and Lancaster. And because your service area covers a small geographical area, Google can ascertain where your business is, even if you haven’t provided an address. Simples! However, if like me your clients are in the UK and throughout Europe and also the US then things get trickier. And this is where my problems with Google began.
Google thinks I’m in Germany
I started a business last year. I’d run another business for 15 years and sold it in 2023 so I knew what I was doing with Google Business Profile. Or so I thought. I completed my Google Business Profile and set it to home services only because I work from home. Because my clients are throughout Europe and in the US ( it’s not unusual for lots of work from home digital industries to have international clients), setting the service area was a bit trickier. I couldn’t put Europe and the US, so I drew my boundary around most of Europe. And this is where my problems with Google began, because Google in their trillion dollar wisdom put my location in the middle of the area, in Germany – a country I have never even visited.
But I’m a web designer in Blackpool
With hindsight putting my service location as the whole of Europe was probably a daft thing to do. But it shouldn’t have been. Because:
- I had my postcode on my website – clearly in Blackpool
- I’d had a Google Business Profile (Google My Business) for donkeys years using the same address that showed on my website and the same email address. In fact back in the day when Google sent postcards to verify a business (a vastly superior method of verifying a business), they sent it to the same address that is on my website and that I have lived at since 2007
- My listings on Yell.com etc had my address
- My phone number showed the Blackpool 01253 dialling code
- I serve all the UK, Europe and the US and anywhere in the world who needs a great, low cost web designer, so the service area I put was correct
My website and my Google Business Profile digital thumbprint couldn’t have shouted louder that I was in Blackpool, not Germany.
The doom of chatGPT
I ignored Google plonking my business in Germany for a long time, foolishly hoping that Google would figure out their error and put my business where it belonged. I waited and waited. And waited and waited. But no, apparently my business was still firmly on German soil. So completely fed up with this, and not wanting to trawl through pages and pages of Google results with contradictory advice I turned to ChatGPT.
ChaptGPT made what I thought was a great suggestion. Temporarily change the address from service area only, put my address in, so that Google knew where I was (and could match it to my website and all the other pointers which clearly show where I am) and then change it back to service area only, so that I don’t get strange men thinking it’s OK to turn up at my doorstep (another story for another post).
Google alarm bells
If you’ve read to this point then you may be thinking (as did I) that the ChatGPT suggestion was a great solution. But no! Something about doing this, despite all the signs pointing to the fact that this is where my home based business was, triggered the loudest fucking alarm bells you have ever heard. Not literally of course. Google’s alarm bells are silent and sneaky and as I’ve found out since, can never be silenced. These sirens consisted of emails being sent to me, asking me to verify my business. Something I had already done over a year previously.
Google Business Profile Verification
The Google Business Profile validation process, back in the day when it was Google My Business, used to consist of them sending you a postcard with a code on. After you received the postcard you then input a code. This proved that the address you said was your business was indeed your business, otherwise you wouldn’t receive a postcard and therefore would be unable to input the code and verify the business. This verification process was simple. Sadly Google changed it. I’m guessing it was either being abused (not really sure how you can abuse it) or someone in the trillion dollar money saving department decide that stamps were too expensive.
Had this process still been the same, I wouldn’t be sat here hating Google, my sanity would be intact and my scalp wouldn’t have bald patches where I have pulled my hair out in complete and utter frustration. My marriage wouldn’t have broken down, the cat wouldn’t have left and I wouldn’t have opened an Only Fans account to pay the bills. OK so the last part is an exaggeration, but as a (really) small business I cannot express how utterly, utterly frustrating the next part of the saga becomes.
Google wants me to send them a video
So, having followed what I thought was sound advice from ChatGPT and having landed my business in the bottomless black hole otherwise known as the verification process, Google asked me to send a video with instructions to:
- Show surrounding area such as street signs or neighbouring businesses
- Show the business name on legitimate assets
- Show that you’re authorised to represent this business
What do you want from me Google?
By this time I was already getting pissed off. I had done nothing wrong and my business had already been verified. But I sent a video anyway. You know, let’s get this sorted so I can move on and concentrate on my clients rather than wasting precious hours doing stupid stuff for Google.
The video showed me logged into my website and that the photos of the business owner on the website were clearly me. I didn’t send a video of the street sign, explaining that it was because I worked from home and also explaining why I had temporarily changed from service area to a physical address and wanted to change it back.
Google replied with an email. They had given me a tick for the first request but they had failed me on the other two points with a red warning sign, to really labour the point. Sigh.
Business name not shown on legitimate assets
Google failed my video verification on two points. The first was that my business name was not shown on legitimate assets. They said I needed to “Show your business name printed on business card, branded vehicle or business licence.” This was a problem. I’ve not had business cards since 2009 (are they still a thing even?!), why the fuck as a work from home web designer would I have a branded vehicle and there is no such thing as a business licence for sole traders in the UK. Aaaaaagghhhhhh! I can actually feel my blood pressure rising as I write this.
You didn’t show that you’re authorised to represent this business
The second thing that failed the verification process was that I “didn’t show that I’m authorised to represent this business.” Google recommended “show business equipment, booking system or unlock branded vehicle.”
Google made me cry
At this point I could have either laughed or cried. Given that there was absolutely nothing funny about the situation I think I probably cried.
Even though I sent a video with me logged into the business website (something no-one else could do unless they hacked the site) and that I was able to edit the website, plus I turned the camera turned round to show that the person filming the video was the same person as the photographs of the business owner on the About page, that doesn’t qualify as either a legitimate asset or that I’m authorised to represent the business. WTAF?! But someone else could get some business cards printed for £20 and pretend the business was theirs and that would do the trick. Come on Google. You’re worth £2.5 trillion and this is what you come up with?
I Showed Google my tax return
Given that I do not have a branded vehicle (unlocked or otherwise), business licence, business equipment (other than my website which they weren’t accepting as proof) or booking system the only thing that I could think of was showing my tax return. So I dug out last year’s tax return and included that on the video. I was very careful not to show any sensitive data such as my UTR number because although my hate for Google is relatively new, my distrust of their ability to keep any sensitive data private is not.
I also explained in the video that, like many work from home web designers, I did not have any of the things they were requesting that I showed them. I sent them evidence of me logged into my website (again) and that the person filming was the person on the About page (again) and gave them a little tour of my work station. Surely that would be enough? Like what exactly does Google think my dastardly plans are for this Google Business Profile? Can I rob a bank with a verified Google Business Profile? Take over the world maybe? Yes I know I’m being facetious. Google verification is there for a good reason to stop other businesses or people intending to harm a business claiming the business as their own. But surely my own face on camera with me logged into my own bloody website and a tax return backing it up is enough? Well no, apparently not.
Google suspended my Google business profile
Despite doing everything I could to prove that the business was mine, Google made the decision to suspend my Google Business Profile. Yay, thanks Google. What a great way to support small, local businesses.
Google Asks for evidence that doesn’t exist in the UK
At this point I knew I was beaten. Well done Google, you’ve well and truly trashed the spirit of this 55 year old, female small business owner. I hope that you’re proud of yourself. You know those knobhead parents who never, ever, ever let their kids win at anything when they’re young because it’s “good for building resilience”? I feel like that is what Google is doing to me. I can literally hear Google booming at me, “No you can’t win this because we are mighty and powerful and you are a meaningless, menopausal woman.” And just in case you are one of those knobhead parents who never lets their kids win and I’ve outraged you, let me tell you a story. My dad was the Lancashire chess champion as I was growing up. He taught me to play when I was probably around 12. Clearly he was an excellent chess player and I was new to the game. He never once gave me an inch. He played against me as though he were up against the strongest opponent. Did that lead to the outcome that he wanted – to make me into a great chess player? No. It didn’t. I just got pissed off at being beaten every single game and I stopped playing him. I will always be grateful that he taught me to play (my son now trounces me, which I love) but I mourn the bonding experience that playing chess regularly with my dad in my teenage years would have created.
Anyhoo, I digress. Google had beaten me (to a pulp). There was only one last thing to do, given that I had nothing left to lose. Consult ChatGPT again. After sending me down several paths that didn’t exist, ChatGPT finally suggested I post on the Google Business Profile Community. This sounded like a great idea. However in reality once you’re at this stage it’s pointless because no-one from Google – who are the only people who can actually help – answers the questions. It’s a great community I’m sure, but why can’t you just contact Google somehow?
I posted anyway, explaining the situation. A lovely person replied and said that I needed to “upload the required documents that prove you are a legitimate business – a business license, business registration, tax certificate and/or a utility bill. All documents must have the business name and address as it appears on your GBP listing.”
For fucks sake. I didn’t think I could feel any worse but this really made me mad. Google are asking for things that I don’t have and don’t actually exist in the UK as a sole trader. How are Google so stupid??!!
Business Licence – nope, no such thing in the UK as a sole trader
Business Registration – as a sole trader you have to register with HMRC for self assessment (which I did back in 2008) but there is no such thing as something that proves business registration if you are a sole trader.
Tax certificate – I have no idea what a tax “certificate” is but I don’t have one. I do have my tax self assessments but I’d already included that in the video.
Utility bill – I have plenty of these thanks but I WORK FROM HOME. All these bills are in mine and my husband’s name because that’s what you do in the UK. You can’t put all your home utilities on your tax return!!
Google you win
And that is the end of this sorry tale. I’d love to tell you that it had a happy ending, but alas no. My Google Business Profile is still suspended and I suspect it will remain that way forever. The ordeal means that my partner and son still find me crying and rocking in a corner occasionally. My business has definitely been impacted. The cat doesn’t seem to care, although I think that deep down it fears that it may become homeless because its’ mum stood up to Google. I suspect the cat might be right.